You're waiting on the platform for a train that you know will probably contain more people than oxygen. And then as soon as it arrives, some hyper-aggressive dickwad at the back of the crowd literally elbows you in the ribs, gets on first, and tuts at anyone who brushes past them as they clamber on too.
When a seat becomes available, they take it, with a total disregard for anyone who was there first or the very pregnant lady three steps away. They then proceed to read the Metro with the wingspan the size of a small pterodactyl. If you're lucky and it's an overground train in parts, they'll also take a very loud, self important phone calls, or generously play their music at top volume for the enjoyment of everyone (no one) else. People like this, my friends, are why we need TfL etiquette, and frankly, I can't understand why some people aren't already following it.
Taking the tube at the best of times is a sweaty, torturous, human soup experience that no one enjoys - so why are we making it so hard for each other?! If you want to be a pleasant, helpful member of the commuting community, I'd highly advise you to avoid commiting any of these travesties against other humans, all of which I have genuinely seen happen during my travels:
Stand in front of the barriers trying to find your Oyster card.
Have a balance of zero on said Oyster card, and try to swipe through anyway.
Argue with the staff when they say you need to top your Oyster up.
Argue with staff when they tell you anything you don't want to hear (they're only doing their job!)
Walk down the stairs at the pace of a snail, reading unimportant texts on your phone.
Take the lift when you haven't got a buggy, massive suitcase or actual impairment.
Stand on the left hand side of the escalator.
Try and take selfies WHILST you're standing on the left hand side of the escalator.
Stop at the bottom of the escalator to sort your bag out.
Don't move along the platform.
Stand in everybody else's way whilst you wait.
Run (into other people) for a train.
Hold the doors open (there is a special place in Hell for people who do this).
Shout 'um, can you move down a bit?' at a train of people packed tighter than sardines, because obviously you're a special flower whose journey is more important than the other hundred people waiting on the platform too.
Equally, don't move down a bit when there actually is room, because you're a special flower whose journey requires more space than the hundred other people in the carriage.
Stand in front of the train doors when other people are trying to get off.
Try to actually get on the train when other people are trying to get off.
Push in front of someone who got off the train to let others out.
Refuse to get off the train to let others out.
Put your bag on an empty seat.
Put your feet on an empty seat.
Allocate the space in front of an empty seat to your obscenely big suitcase.
Leave your shopping bags all over the floor of the carriage.
Give massive evil eye when someone asks you to move any of these items.
Read the Metro without folding it over.
Paint your nails.
FILE your nails.
Pluck your eyebrows.
Pop your spots (basically, any aspect of personal grooming that leaves a part of you behind is not okay).
Spray aerosols.
Use portable, burning hot hair styling tools (yes they're real. Yes they're terrifying).
Finish craft projects.
Turn several seats into your personal work station.
Don't give up your seat for a pregnant lady, the elderly or disabled.
Take a seat when someone else was there before you without offering it to them first.
Let your child stand on the chairs with their grubby shoes on.
Let your child swing around a pole whilst other people are trying to hold on it.
Wrap your adult sided self around a pole so other people can't hold on to it.
Take a loud, obnoxious phone call.
Have a screaming row during said phone call.
Have said phone call on speakerphone.
Play your music without headphones.
Play your music with such terrible headphones that you might as well not be wearing any.
Sing. Ohh, the singing.
Open the windows in the dead of winter.
Insist on having the windows shut in the height of summer.
Eat anything with a stronger odour than a biscuit.
Drink anything with a stronger odour than juice (this does not just apply to booze - I'm talking to you, 7am Red Bull).
Leave your rubbish behind.
Sit three seats down from your friends but continue to shout down the carriage at them anyway.
Partake in a fingers-and-all PDA with last night's partner.
Campaign, busk or perform any other enforced activity that passengers cannot get away from when trapped in the carriages with you.
Preach.
Vomit (from intoxication rather than genuine illness).
Sneeze into a paper (and then leave it behind).
Fall asleep (on somebody else).
Take cruel pictures of other passengers.
Say cruel things to other passengers.
Start a freaking blog dedicated to cruel things about other passengers.
Swear loud enough for children to hear.
Loudly discuss spoilers for a popular TV show.
Ditto, new films.
Ditto, best selling books.
Take your shoes off.
Take your socks off.
Take your clothes off.
Stare.
Scowl.
Generally make the journey as unpleasant as possible for everyone around you.
Happy travelling!
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